Starting Over.... Again
per·sist·ence
[pərˈsistəns]
NOUN
- firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition:"companies must have patience and persistence, but the rewards are there"
Now just a little background on what has happened over the last year since I last wrote anything in this blog, we bought a house and had a baby.....
Ok, those are both huge things.
In fact, these two things are huge contributors to why I have become somewhat self-loathing of late. I have been struggling to lose the baby weight (I know, I know... give it time) and I have been struggling to be a good house keeper and parent. I regularly find myself looking around my house and thinking that this cannot possibly by the way I keep my home. And I regularly look at my kids and think "when did I last bathe you?".... is this bad? is it normal? Who really knows.
Buying a house is stressful in itself. The banks scrutinize every single transaction you have ever made over the course of the past 3 or 4 years. They want explanations for every single time something wasn't perfect, that one time you accidently over-drafted your account because you forgot to move the $70 from your savings to your checking before going to the ATM to get money to pay for the babysitter... 3 years ago! Oh yeah... they put it all under a microscope. But on top of all that, the VA loan we got required any home we bought to pass a VA inspection. This isn't your ordinary inspection, it is a much more strict inspection... and then if they find something wrong, the homeowner has to fix it before the loan will be approved. This causes issues, considering we were buying a short sale. It was an experience that taught me a lot, but mainly taught me that I don't want to relive that right now. Maybe in a few more years.
So, we bought a house....
Not just any house.... we bought our house. Our first house together. A house that needed to be repainted from top to bottom. A house that needed a brand new roof ASAP. A house that had the well pump take a huge sh*t right after we bought it (thank god for our realtor getting us a home warranty). A house that needed (and still needs) to have the carpet flooring replace. A house that stunk like an ashtray. A house that has slowly turned into a home.
The home we would build inside these four walls over the next year would be one that I am so very proud of.
Then shortly after we moved into our new house, we got even better news.
WE WERE PREGNANT!!!
This was very exciting. We hadn't planned for it, but we were both so thrilled to find out. We planned out the perfect Easter announcement for our families.
Now, we already have our wonderful Ciara, but two kids is a whole different adventure, no matter what their ages are. And more importantly, this was the beginning of a whole new chapter for all of us. Brian went from being "mommy's boyfriend", to being Ciara's dad. And we went from a group of people who cohabitated that same house to a full on family. Brian too Ciara into his heart and loved her unconditionally. And then, you know, another person was getting ready to come into the world with us. Ciara would finally become a big sister, Brian would have his first biological baby, and I would have to remember what it was like to have a newborn (if had been 8 years after all)!
In spite of it all, we all couldn't wait!
We crossed our fingers hoping for a boy, but when we finally got the chance to find out the gender we were pleasantly surprised to find that Brian would be severely outnumbered by girls still. He and the cat are the only men in the house. The dogs even count as 2 members of team girl!
We travelled together through the next 40 weeks learning and loving together as a family. We had ups and downs and even a early labor scare.
Then the day came.....
I decided that I couldn't wait any longer and the Monday after my due date (November 20th) I decided would start my maternity leave. I had my OB appointment and she stripped my membranes (sorry if that is too graphic!) and then I went for a walk in the mall. When I got home an hour or two after my appointment, I had already alerted Brian that it might be coming up on time for him to come home. I think deep down inside, he was freaking out. BUT I didn't want it to be another false alarm, so I waited and gritted through the pain for another hour. Then, it was time for Brian to come home... He dropped everything, packed up, and came home. He took a shower (upon my recommendation) and then we went to the hospital where I was admitted to give birth to our baby girl. By 3 am the next day, our precious Cheyenn was in my arms.
She was (and still is) perfect. And beautiful. And my reason for being.
The next few months I was home and the days passed in a bit of a blur. Thanksgiving was overwhelming, but lovely. Christmas came and went in a flash. And then Brian had his knee surgery.
I firmly believe in the above statement. Motherhood is a time, emotion, life sucking commitment to another human being that didn't get to pick who their parents are. It is 100% worth it, but it is draining.
I am not a doctor, and I don't think I considered this until now, but there is a good chance that I have been suffering from some form of postpartum depression. I have been suffering immensely from what I can only consider postpartum body dysmorphia. I fully know and understand that the human body is amazing and a woman can carry another human being for almost a full year. And after the birth, it takes time for all the parts to go back to where they belong and that the extra "baby fat" that is needed during those 40 weeks takes time to get rid of. Yet, because of the way society has us all brainwashed, I feel as though I am supposed to magically go back to my bikini ready body within just a few months. Those expectation are completely unrealistic. Yet, I still feel that somewhere somehow I'm supposed to make that happen. People always talk about how breastfeeding helps you lose weight, and it did in the beginning, but it isn't a magical cure or a liposuction-like cure.
On top of my unhappiness with my body, my mind can no longer convert short term memory to long term memory. In fact, my brain can no longer compute any memory at all sometimes. I can't remember where I put things down, even though I was just holding it only seconds before hand.... I may actually still be holding it. I can't concentrate... at all... and being someone who already struggles with ADD, this whole "mommy brain" thing makes it a million times worse. I regularly have to write things down in multiple locations and pray that it is enough to help me remember. I honestly have days when I can't remember the last time I showered.
Then to add the icing to the cake, I had to go back to work the week of valentine's day. This meant that our baby girl had to start going to daycare. While I love the person we chose to help us raise our baby, I still have a pang of guilt and jealousy every time I drop her off. It has been nearly 2 months now, and that pain has not gotten better.... it may have gotten worse actually. I spend half my day wishing I was home with her. The other half of my day is spent trying to make sure that having that job keeps paying the bills... because if it doesn't, then it isn't worth keeping. I daydream about one day being able to work from home.
So now that I have taken a long look at the mirror and done some self reflection. I have decided that I need to make changes I my life in order to make the best of it and in order to get myself out of this depression funk. First and foremost, I need to stop stressing over things that I have no control over. I cannot help that I have to work in order to pay the bills, which means I cannot help the fact that my baby has to go to day care. What I can do is keep my options open and do everything I can to either find a way to work from home, or find a job that is a home based position. I can also try to help Brian to find a better employment opportunity if possible.
I cannot help that my body needs to retain some weight in order to help me produce milk to feed my baby. But I can find pride in my ability to provide proper nutrition for her. Many mothers struggle to do even this and I am blessed to be able to breastfeed my daughter. I can also help what I do to help my body become more efficient with the energy it needs and uses. I can exercise more and do things to improve my overall health, even if it doesn't necessarily make me thinner or weigh less.
I cannot help that my brain is constantly going a million miles a second. But I can make sure that I take a break and go on vacation. I can also take time to try and meditate or do yoga in order to still my mind.
I cannot help that many days, we are running ourselves ragged trying to make sure that kids are picked up on time, homework is done and checked, we make it to softball practice, dinner is cooked, the laundry is done, and we manage to bathe somewhat regularly, and no one feels less loved or cared for. As a result, my house is a certifiable disaster zone. BUT I can help that my friends are not shallow enough to judge me on how clean my house is, and yet they know how important it is to spend time with grown-ups so that we don't lose our mind. I can also make sure that I encourage my family to spend 10 minutes a day cleaning or picking up so that we don't have to devote an entire weekend to cleaning.
So starting tomorrow, I am going to do one extra something that will improve upon something in my life. It may be going for a run. Or it could be spending extra time cleaning the bathroom. Maybe it will be an evening time yoga session. Or possibly spending an extra 10 minutes reading a book I enjoy. I need to be healthier physically and mentally and I hope to document it through this blog.
I am planning on doing everything I can to help me find some kind of rhythm that will make these changes come more easily. So say lots of prayers for me and cross all the fingers!!
Here goes nothing!!
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