Silver Lining

sil·ver lin·ing

NOUN

1. something that offers hope or benefit in a situation that is generally adverse

Today was a perfect example of Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong, inevitably will. My day started out with me ignoring my alarms because I didn't sleep well last night and felt that I really would be no good without another 45 minutes of sleep (stupid excuse). So I didn't go out for my "quick one miler" like I had intended when I set that damn alarm. But.... I justified it by saying that since Ciara is away with my family for spring break it would make it easier for me to squeeze it in after work.

Wrong again.

So let the day begin! Woke up 15 minutes late, realized the bottles/pump parts I put in the dishwasher weren't clean (because I never started the dishwasher!), and didn't get out the door until just after 8am, which is when I'm usually leaving from the babysitter's house after I drop of Cheyenne. So I had to bring those dirty dishes with me and do them at work.... which put me behind at work.... and my workload was already overwhelming. I DID manage to pump the full three sessions as I needed to, but I just fell further behind on my work. Then I worked through my lunch, as usual, to try to catch up.

But.... it was one of THOSE days. The kind of days that every person with ADD knows is going to be an absolute wash. The kind of day that no matter how bad you want it, and no matter how hard you try to force it, you just can't keep focused. I'm not sure if it was a deep seeded desire to not be at work, or maybe some would blame it on a bad case of the "Mondays". But label it what you will, I couldn't keep my mind on track to save my soul. I couldn't even keep my thoughts on any one thing for more than a minute or two at a time.

These are the days that I hate myself for having ADD. I hate myself for having it, for using it as a crutch or an excuse, I hate that people don't understand how hard it is sometimes for me to make it from morning to noon and get anything done. I hate that it can be such a problem but no one can see it on the outside. Sometimes, the way I would describe it is like this...... Imagine you are standing in a quiet room with the people in your life (coworkers, friends, family, etc). Then imagine that you hear someone whisper, but you're the only one who can hear it. Then imagine that that whisper turns into a yell. And then add the sound of a marching bad in the background growing louder and louder. Then someone is in the background setting off fireworks. Add the sound of a freight train approaching from the distance. Then add all the sounds of the New York City streets (honking horns and cursing drivers and all). Then put in a light show. Top it all off with the fact that you are THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE OR HEAR ANY OF THIS!! It's like trying to run a marathon but the marathon doesn't have a finish line... yet you frantically run as fast as you can to try and find it.

Its frustrating. Its aggravating. It sounds like pure insanity..... It sounds like my life.

So as I struggled through the craziness of the day, my manager came up and told us he wanted to shut it down early at 5:30 instead of 6. I had just a few things left to finish when suddenly, the phone started ringing off the hook. My poor boyfriend was home with the baby knowing that she would need to eat close to 6. He even asked what time I would be home, and I had messaged him shortly after 5:30 to say that I would be leaving very soon. Well soon turned into a phone call and a proposal later at 6:05. That was when I was finally able to leave for the night.

I don't know how I was lucky enough that when I came home, that baby girl wasn't screaming her head off, but when I came in the door I was pleasantly surprised by the warm, reassuring smell of dinner cooking in the oven.

He was wonderful enough to get dinner started and the dishes done and the baby was happy when I walked through the door. The smell of garlic and pork filled the room and I finally started to feel at ease again. The sound of my baby girl's laughter and the sight of her playing with a frozen bag of Brussel sprouts was enough to settle my uneasy mind and help me to finally relax and unwind.

On a day like today there are so many things we can dwell on that will prove our point that today was a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. But sometimes it's more important to spend time searching no matter how hard, for that silver lining. To so many, this day would have been a bad one. It would have been a "go to bed and try again tomorrow" kind of day. But for me, I am looking for that silver lining. I am looking for that one spec of hope, that one glimmer of sunshine to remind myself that I am not a failure. I am not wrong or useless. I am so much more than this bad day. I am more than the sum of my mistakes. I am more than all of this craziness. I am more than my ADD.

I. AM. MORE.

I found my silver lining in my daughter... in my family. I realized today that no matter how terrible my day was, I have a man in my life who will always be there to love and support me. He is my strength and my support and he shows me every day that no matter how hard it gets and no matter how terrible it's been, there is always hope. I have two beautiful daughters who believe I am the one who holds all the answers. The one who can kiss away the pain and tickle into their lives some sunshine. I have a home.... my very own home! A place that I can come to find peace. I have food to nourish my body and water to keep me alive and well. I have it all. I have everything I need in life to be happy and to build upon the person I was yesterday.

I know that things did not go the way I had planned on them going, but I made it. I survived from morning until night. I didn't cry, I put on real clothes, and I was able to keep my family happy, healthy, and whole. This is my silver lining.