Lost



lost (lôst,läst):
                   "unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts"


Some days I sit down at the end of the day and I look back over the events of my day in my head and realize that I have gotten no where at all but I felt like I was running a marathon. I'm exhausted and out of breath and I ache everywhere. Yet, I have gotten no further with my life or my plans at all. I've been moving almost nonstop for 16 hours and the house is still a mess, I still haven't made anything for lunches, and I have no idea what everyone is going to eat for dinner. Then I still have to plan tomorrows meals, make sure everyone has clothes, try to clean up the days messes, all while trying to finalize the short sale on the house we are buying and manage the bills and the money in my account. 

I'm just plan tired and exhausted. I have no way of knowing which way is up anymore and I'm just ready for a vacation where I'm surrounded by the people I love doing something I enjoy.

I miss reading for fun. I miss naps. I miss snuggles with my cat laying in the sun.


I know that there are plenty of people out there who have it way worse than me. Homeless people, cancer patients, lonely people, etc. etc.
But we are all fighting out own personal battles and this one is mine. It is the battle of being too poor to do much beyond live but I'm too "wealthy" to get any form of decent and usable help from the government (like child care support from the county). It's the battle of not having enough time in the day or enough days in the week. 

Even when I do lay down in bed at night to get some sleep, I am up almost every hour on the hour for one reason or another.


I haven't slept through the night in... well honestly I can't remember the last time I slept well. 

The worst part of this whole situation is that not only am I doing so many different things, my brain tries to do them all at the same time! (Stupid ADD)
I will be at work and then remember that I have to find out remind Brian to call about homeowners insurance so I'll start to text him while I was halfway through filling out a sale sheet for work and then after 2 hours I'll realize that neither of those two things actually got completed because I was interrupted by a ringing phone.



All I want right now is an entire day that I don't have to be in a rush. One whole day where I can, in fact, lay down and take a nap. One day that I can sit and read for a couple hours just for fun. One day that I don't have to be anywhere at any particular time.
Some day I might actually have a day like that. It probably won't be anytime soon, but maybe when I'm in my 40s things will slow down.

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