No Regrets

thank·ful:
adjective
       expressing gratitude and relief.

"an earnest and thankful prayer"

I spent much of my work day yesterday listening to music on my radio and doing my mass emailing to old clients. Not exactly the most fun day, but nothing extraordinarily bad that I would consider it a "bad day". Just another day in the life of me. 

But do you ever listen to the radio and that one throwback comes on and pulls you from reality to a reality from long ago that seems more like a dream anymore? That one song that just sort of pulls at the strings in your mind and makes you remember something that you had unintentionally pushed to the back of your mind as other memories had come and taken up that space where they once lived? Or maybe it's many memories. Or maybe it's a chain reaction. Maybe it started with the one memory but that memory snowballed into ten, twenty, a hundred others.

That was my day yesterday.

On occasion, I have these dreadful feeling of "if ____ didn't happen, my life would be better." Or, "If I had done _____ differently, I'd be better off than I am now."

Like, If i had actually majored in Pre-Vet and actually gone to Veterinary School, I would be making more money and I'd have a job that I love. Or if I hadn't moved around so much as a kid, I'd actually have some life long friends and I'd be less lonely. Or if I had played a good sport, like soccer, in high school I wouldn't have so much school debt because I could have gotten a scholarship.

The worst one I think (far more often than I should) is "If I had never gotten pregnant at 18 we would both be better off."

Every time this thought crosses my mind, even for the most fleeting of moments, a huge wave of guilt washes over me. It's not her fault what happened. And she has every right to live a beautiful life in this world (no matter how screwed up it is sometimes). And she is such an amazing addition to it, she is one of the few that make it just a little better than it was yesterday.

Anyway, back to my point of flashbacks and memories....

I heard a song that reminded me of my senior year of high school which lead me to think of old teachers and old boyfriends and old best friends and old classmates and old field trips and so much more. As I though back on these things I didn't feel guilt or regret. I felt thankful. These people and events that happened to me made me every bit of who I am today.

Broken leg and broken arm taught me that in spite of my own wishes, I am NOT indestructible. They taught me that pain is fleeting but it is like a hot iron on your skin. The leave a lasting memory that, no matter how much you may want to forget, that throbbing pain in your leg when its getting ready to rain will be there to remind you of how dumb you were that day.

My first boyfriend taught be me that you shouldn't change who you are in order to make people happy. If you aren't happy in your own skin then you are not being true to yourself. Just because he likes to skateboard and listen to Blink182 and play hooky from school doesn't mean that you are supposed to be the carbon copy of him. One of my favorite quotes is from Dolly Parton. She said "Find out who you are and do it on purpose". This is such a resonating statement with me because I think that your adolescence is a time to figure out who you are and what you like and then live every single day as that person unfaltering confidence.

 My first best friend (and I mean the first best friend that really truly made an impact on my life) taught me that there really is beauty in everything. While Annie and I don't really talk anymore, she and I are friends on Facebook and she continues, to this day, to teach me to look to nature as a constant friend. She has always been, what I call, a Flower Child. She loves everything and everyone and sees so much beauty in the day to day. Her son is no less of a wonder either. She is unconventional and free spirited, and she values things like the smell of the leaves in the fall or the sound of a running brook in the woods. She relishes in the warmth of the sunrise and the feeling of the grass between her toes. She truly believes that all life is precious. I aspire to have to passion for life that she has.

I am thankful for the blessing that was my 11th grade English teacher, Mr. Ruddy. He showed me that being an adult is hard, but it isn't the end of the world and it can still be fun. He used to have "ask me anything about college" Fridays. This was a chance for all of us to ask any question at all about college life. We asked him about classes and extracurriculars alike. He told us the truth every time. He told us about his senior year and how he used to meet his classmates and professor in a bar for class instead of a conventional classroom. 

He also showed me that adults can in fact be trusted and that they are not all out to make kids/teens fell stupid and useless. He was always "real" with us and he always spoke to us on our level. He never made me feel inferior in anything that we discussed. I developed a higher level of respect for the adults in my life because of him.

High school taught me a lot about people. Mostly that they aren't always what they seem and when they put their minds to it, they can be incredibly mean and relentless. I learned that no matter what you think you know about people, you never really know them. They will say one thing to your face, but stab you in the back the moment you turn to walk away.

Just remember, not all people are bad and you should still look for the good in everyone. 

My  college boyfriend taught me that even when everything appears to be perfect on the outside, sometimes there are darker secrets beneath the surface. A picture perfect couple isn't so picture perfect if he calls every hour on the hour to find out where you are and who you're with. He isn't for you if he doesn't even trust you when you are at your job. And just because, when you're out together with friends having a seemingly great night, just because all your mutual friends talk about how cute you are as a couple and how they can't wait to see us get married, that doesn't mean its a great relationship. He taught me that my daughter should and always will come first. When the person you're dating says "I like everything about you BUT I'm angry because of your daughter." that is the BIGGEST red flag possible that you are absolutely, under no circumstances, meant to be together. He also taught me that when someone makes you feel terrible on the inside and makes it difficult to socialize without him, it can really poison your own mind. Don't let them be the voice in your head telling you that you are not good enough or that there is something about you that is not right. You ARE good enough and you ARE worth something. I am no longer angry (even if he did say that he hoped I gift wrapped a tree the day he broke up with me). Some people are just meant to teach you a lesson... even if that lesson is 2.5 years in the making!

My boss at a Baby's Burgers and Shakes taught me that even though life can really knock you down, you can still kick ass! She fought cancer and other illnesses while I worked for her, but you better believe that she was at work every day even when she felt like shit. She pushed through so much and gave us so much, she was like my mom in college. She pushed me to be a better mom, student, daughter, and friend. She always encouraged my dreams and stood behind my choices. (PS - she didn't care much for my college boyfriend). She was, and still is, a fighter and inspires me everyday to get up out of bed and put my big girl panties on and DEAL WITH IT!

College taught me that high school was a joke and this is closer to real life. Classes are hard and you have to be self motivated to make it through. You also can't rely on your past experiences to get you by. It also taught me that you better get yourself a damn job... maybe even two.... if you ever want to make it out alive. It taught me that growing up is going to be hard and that responsibilities are rapidly approaching so you had better get your shit together ASAP so you can handle it. It taught me that life doesn't really get any easier, you just learn how to cope with the changes and difficulties you face.

My boss AFTER college, George Zeppos, taught me a lot about business. He taught me that the devil really is in the details and that if you treat where you work, no matter how menial it seems, as though it were your own business, you will be much more successful than if you treat it as "just a job". He taught me that business is business and that's all it is. It's not about making friends, it's not about making sure that everyone gets vacations or has enough shifts or always gets the good section in the restaurant. It's about putting your best foot forward, getting your highest skilled people in the appropriate positions, and leveraging all the tools in your tool box in order to create overall success. No, I didn't always like him, but I did always respect him. His vision has gotten him very far and he works incredibly hard on a daily basis to make sure that he and all of his people are successful. Aside from his business tactics, he does genuinely care for the people that work for him. He may put the business first, but he will always make sure that he takes care of his people. When I lost my day job in October of 2013, I went to him because I had no income and more bills than I could afford. He said, don't worry, we will work something out. He got me more shifts and worked with me when I needed time off for interviews. When I did finally get back into a career job (not that waitressing can't be a career for some, it just isn't for me) he said that any time I need to come back, there will always me a job waiting for me. He offered part time seasonal catering gigs when I'm ever in town visiting my parents for a long week. He is, and always will be, one of the most influential people in my life.

My... after college?... boyfriend, TJ, taught be a lot about myself. He was my best friend all through high school and college, and we tried dating on and off prior, but something just never really worked out. We were too far apart or there was someone else. I waited many many years for him to notice me when we were in high school and even after I went off to college. But he always managed to hop from this girlfriend to that girlfriend while I was just "The Best Friend". It really hurt after a while and I finally gave up. Then after a long while of being apart, we gave it a shot. It was a train wreck! I did, and still do, genuinely care for him. You could call it love, but it's not the love between two people in a committed relationship. It's the love I have for a sincere and deeply trusted friend. He taught me that I need to let go sometimes and relinquish control. Not everything in life is up to me to make happen. I cannot control my life, it's just a roller coaster ride. Most importantly, you cannot change people into who you want them to be because all arrows point to "it should work". Everyone we knew always wanted us to be together, but being raised so differently and living our lives so differently, it just made it difficult to function together as a couple. Mostly my fault, but just as I couldn't change him, this firecracker couldn't be changed either. I hope one day to repair the friendship we once had, but only time will tell.

My best friend, Nikki, taught me a lot about loss. She had been my best friend for YEARS, but when TJ and I broke up, it felt like I lost her in the "divorce". Yes, I have my faults and I have my mistakes, but in so many years past, she saw beyond them and was always there for me. She may stop me and say "you're being ignorant" or "you've got it all wrong!" but she was always by my side. Losing her was, and is, one of the biggest losses of my life. I will never be able to go back and be there for her when she lost the man she fell in love with. I will never be able to show her how much I was hurting for her when he lost her grandmother. I will never be able to explain to her where I was when she needed me. And that breaks me in two. I know that you can only push people so far until you finally push them away. And that is what I've learned from Nikki. I have learned that you are not the only one who has feelings and that you are not the only one who has needs. Sometimes, you need to put yourself on the back burner and take a moment to look around at the people who need you.

My boyfriend, Brian, has taught me to relax and stop being so serious all the time. Not everything needs to be plotted and planned out like some high school agenda. Let go and enjoy the free fall. He has also taught me that love and happiness don't just happen, It is something that you work towards every day. You make your life what it is and you find what you're looking for in the most unlikely of places. Your life and your happiness are a combination of circumstance and hard work. He and I tell each other all the time that if we had met when he was in high school we would have hated each other. This is an entirely true statement! He and I were not the people we are now when we were teenagers. He was rebelious and troubled while I was rambunctious and ignorant of so many things. He lived a troubled childhood, while I lived one of privilege. But when we did meet, we were both humbled by life lessons. He had softened over time and with the changes in his life, while I had become more aware of the reality that is living as a 20-something in the 2000-somethings. Life is hard, and mommy and daddy won't always be there to kiss your boo-boos and take care of everything because it's just too hard. Brian has learned, and continues to learn that everything in life isn't always a fight or a battle and it doesn't have to become one either. No, neither one of us is perfect..... FAR FAR FROM IT! But we look each other in the eye every day and do two things. First, we tell each other "I love you" and second, we make each other laugh.... even if it is just a quick little chuckle. And I think that these are essential to a good relationship. After all, laughter is the best medicine. As Brian and I face our next big adventure (buying a house) we are going to run into problems and road blocks.... not that we haven't already. And we are going to disagree about things (from paint colors to costs), but I know, that we work well together as a team and we can find compromise in all things. After all, we did find a house that makes us both happy. I got my three bedrooms, he got his low price tag. I got my close knit neighborhood, he got his south county location. I got my waterfront community.... well we both wanted that one! Yes... It will be work. Yes... We will be exhausted and irritable at times. But YES... We are both really excited about all of it! 

A relationship is not 50/50. It is 100/100. You each give each other 100% and expect 0 in return. That is what makes a couple work. That is what makes us work! You lend a helping hand when it is needed, not when it is asked for. If he sees me cleaning up, he just gets up off the couch and starts helping. If he knows I have to work late, he offers to pick up Ciara from school. I try to do the same for him. When he goes out to cut down a tree (I may or may not have asked him to cut it down) I try to make sure that I'm there and able to help if he needs it.  He worries that I will get upset if he stays out late hunting, but instead I make sure that dinner is ready when he gets home because I know he's going to be starving.

This is why I love him and this is why we work!

The most important teacher in my life is my mother. She has been there supporting me and nourishing my life the longest. No one else has been there for me since conception. She was. She nourished my body first, and then after I was born she nourished my mind and soul as well. She taught be lessons like, don't go out in the freezing rain without shoes on because you're probably going to end up getting sick, or at the very least, your feet are going to hurt so much! She taught me that peanut butter is the best solution for those days when you forgot to eat lunch and now you've got the shakes but you don't want to spoil your dinner. She taught be that a clean room is much easier and more peaceful to live in than a messy one. She taught me that "Dan" and "Suzanne" sound an awful lot a like when you think you might be in trouble but you're not sure what you did and she's yelling at you from two floors away.

She also taught me to be compassionate and caring. She taught me to love myself and be myself no matter what the heck anyone else has to say about it. She taught me  how to read, write, and ride a bike. She is my rock. She is my best friend. And no one teaches about life better than Mom.

I hope one day that I'll be the kind of mom just like she was to me.

My daughter, Ciara, teaches me something new every day. She pushes my buttons and stomps on my nerves and I learn that sometimes, the battle just isn't worth it. She also teaches me to be more creative and more open minded. She teaches me to love a little more and stress a little less. She teaches me that my job is important but so are school parades and field trips and guest reader days. She teaches me to laugh at myself and dance in the kitchen. She teaches me that rain is just water and that we can dance in it all we want. But mostly she teaches me that time is short and we have to live in the moment, because yesterday is gone but the memories will last forever.

I regret nothing in my life because without those people and the events that have lead me where I am today, I wouldn't be me! I am so happy with where I am and who is in my life and I know that no matter what happens, It's not really up to me to get me there, it's up to me to make sure I'm the best version of myself along the way!